Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 Review

The latest line in reboots from Director Johnathan Liebesman  and Produced in part  by Michel Bay does not disappoint, from the over the top CGI special effects, fight scenes and lighting effects, to the use of female leads as nothing more than sex objects; This reboot of TMNT has all the ear marks of another beloved franchise that has now been shit on by Michel Bay.

Going into this movie its fair to say I am more than a bit bias having grown up in the hay-day of the TMNT in the 1980’s. From the comics, 1980’s TV show to the action figures, my early childhood was dominated by the turtle crazy, hell I even got a turtle green cast when I broke my wrist. With that being said I will also say I am normally not one to chastise a director his/her past works, I try and take each film in on its own, as in Transformers and the Star Trek reboots both which I thought where fun action movies and the directing style worked well with the tone and writing of the movies, but at the same time in the case of Star Trek it felt that the essence of the series had been lost, the movie could have easily done well labeled as a new space sci-fi franchise.

Enough bitching about Michel Bay’s directing style and influence of shitting on things, its time to get to the review of the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Turtles.

 

tmnt-shrek

 

 

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

 

Fuck it, I was trying to think of a way to make this a well formatted, well informed, informational review but after wasting two hours of my watching this pile of shit fuck it. From the shitty voice acting to the Turtles that now look like the inbred love children of Shrek this movie gives the older TMNT fan nothing but a new found hate for reboots. The movie starts by building the character and back stories of April O’Neil and Vernon Fenwick (Aprils camera guy), making April into a try hard reporter that has no one taking her serious and Vernon into the ultimate perv co-worker spending more time hitting on April then doing his job. This shit show of intolerable back story bullshit goes on for at least the first 30 minutes of the movie while slowly introducing the turtles, The Foot Clan, Shredder, and Eric Sacks as Shredders apprentice, while making every good guy and bad guy into the ultimate stereo type of their role. From here the movie heads downhill as a fairly swift pace while gathering speed heading uncontrollably towards the deepest depths of movie hell.

After this fun into period of shitty dialog and bad acting we are finally given when we came for, Turtles! The turtles and April first cross paths after the turtles foil the clearly half-asses trap setup by The Foot Clan. Come on what the fuck! The Foot Clan in an elite group of murderers and hired hit-men, and they can’t figure a way to catch four turtles?!!? Oh wait, that’s because for some unknown fucking reason the Turtles now have super human strength, are bullet proof and other powers normally reserved for the like of Superman…. Who the fuck wrote this shit…. Have they EVER read a TMNT comic or seen one of the past movies or TV shows?!? Really you deserve to eat a bag of dicks for this bullshit. Why not give them x-ray vision and the power of flight? But back to the into of the Turtles and April. They meet on a roof top with some shitty dialog, April faints ect ect ect bullshit…….

 

Fuck this movie made me mad.

 

So from here some more shitty story is drawn out about how the Turtle are now from a lab experiment and where one Aprils pets and that Aprils father made the ooze. Really who the fuck do the writers think they are?!?!?! Rewriting a beloved story to some half-assed plot that only serves to make April into a mother character instead of the cool friend role she is known for… Does every movie that comes out have to be changed to fit the formula of the broken family gets reunited, the female lead is only there as a sex symbol and the supporting character is the friend0zone friend that does not realize they are that friend… Fuck this is getting old, it really feels like the groups of writers for major movies have no incentive to create new plots or change the norm…

Anyway from there the normal action movie script kicks in, some of the hero’s get captured, the other hero has to free the captured hero ect ect ect… It really is a shitty plot that has been told a thousand times before. So if you have seen any action or hero movie in the last oh say 50 years you know the story. With the exception of some really fucked up and inaccurate back story sections the movie past 3o minutes is nothing more than a CGI action movie, a shitty one at that. What the fuck is up with all the cuts and camera angles. Does ever action scene have to be filmed from a upward angle while spinning around the character? I normally have no issue with movies and things like motion sickness but this one almost made to puke. I’m sure if I saw in 3D I would either vomit or have a major headache from the shitty camera movement…

 

Oh and who ever did the casting for Voice actors I hope you never work again! I love Jonny Knocksville but it was the wrong person to cast… Also fuck off to who ever wrote the dialog for the Turtles. Donatello is not some wimpy nerd you fucktard….. Fuck….

So I feel that I have bitched enough at the moment so I’ll sum this up for those looking for a short answer.

 

The TMNT 2014 reboot is a bad movie. From the poor directing to over use of CGI it has little to no redeeming factors and shits on the franchise for two hours. If you loved or even liked TMNT comics, the 1980’s TV show or ever the 1990’s movies save you money and time.

 

Movie Rating: 1/10

 

 

 

Watch_Dogs PC Cover Art

So I got the try Watch_Dogs for the PC today and I must say, its one of the worst ports to PC I have seen in a very long time. It reminds me of the early 2000’s when trying to get a good port of a console game on the PC or vice versa was like trying to find a clean hooker in Las Vegas. You know deep down that in some magical land they must be real, they have to be, but you know better, its going to end up the same way as before. You’re going to be out 50$ and feel like you can’t get the stank off, even with bleach. That’s what Watch_Dogs for the PC is, that stank you can’t get off from a cheap hooker.

Now I know what some people are going to say, oh the games not bad its just uPlay is crap. I agree uPlay is crap, in my eyes its the next “Games for Windows” a half assed attempt at digital distribution that harms the games that use it more than it helps them. But I’m not ranting today about uPlay, I can say first hand that Watch_Dogs is jacked when without uPlay fucking up the works. So I will get back to basing this pile of shit attempt at a port. The game was installed via Steam on the machine I used so I got the privilege of getting pissed at uPlay. So I decided that the darker side of the internet might hold my solution. A crack for the game that removes the DRM and uPlay requirements. So I jumped on ye’ old internet answering machine google and found what I needed. I applied the crack as recommended and was happy to not have to slam my head into a wall until uPlay decided it was time to work. The game booted up and loaded find. I won’t go into too much detail as just googling Watch_Dogs for the PC will result in many tails of what I went though.

So to dispel this whole Ubisoft hates only ATI/AMD thing I was running this on a machine that has a i5 and a GTX 750 Ti, and still had crashes, poor frame rates, and all the other fun bugs that made it feel like I was playing a public Alpha of a game and not a major retail release. I move to change this saying to Ubisoft hates ALL PC gamers. It feels like they would rather try and sell only to console gamers that have the attention span of a fly and are willing to buy every version of what ever shitty series they are crapping out that month, than to a PC gamer that expects a polished product with community support and a decent shelf life of more than 3 months.

Again I’m getting distracted from my point I was trying to make. Simply put Watch_Dogs for the PC is not just a failure due to uPlay sucking some large donkey balls but a shit port that should be sent to the New Mexico desert to become a myth like E.T. for the Atari.

Oh and here is a shitty remake of that the cover should be for Watch_Dogs for the PC.

 

PC-Watch-Dogs

 

 

Google Maps

So I have been getting back into the habit of driving around to a new place several times a week. I, like many, jump onto Google Maps to get an idea of where today’s adventure might lead. I tend to use the map in the default state as it gives me an idea of if the area will be desert and what the mountains might be like. Then once I have picked a rough idea of where I want to go I check the street view to see what’s there. I had yet to find anything interesting like most people, lots of cars, empty road and the occasional blurred face of a passer by. Today though, I stuck gold? I dropped the street view guy and was met with a stripped screen. You can check it out here, or at the link below.

Not sure where it might be other then corrupted pictures maybe but it made my day to find something other then the norm on Google Maps today 😀

 

https://www.google.com/maps/@37.181616,-113.75846,3a,75y,124.65h,179t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sTtIeXksEePwZaPknHNyiHw!2e0

Micro$soft Azure Good for the game?

With the ever evolving gaming market the introduction of cloud computing as a means to get the upper hand on the competition is not surprising. The option to offload complex physics and object calculations to a remote powerful server is a logical evolution of the gaming environment. Will it be a good thing, in the long run most likely. Will it be a good thing right now, I would have to say no.

 

At the moment network infrastructure of the internet in the USA is lacking and out dated. With a total of about 70% of households having broadband, internet speed of 3.5mbps down and 1mbps up with the reliability of these connections being questionable outside of major metropolitan areas, limits the potential usefulness of cloud based services. With no real information on the speeds needed on the client side for a reliable experience, it would be safe to assume it would similar to that of Sony’s Playstaion Now service that recommends a 5Mbps connection, meaning that if you stuck with limited ISP options and slower end speeds the service will not work well if at all.

 

Assuming internet speeds in the USA rise drastically in the next to to three years there is still one issue that has been blatantly obvious with the launch of the game Titanfall, which utilizes Microsoft Azure for its online features, stability. The game has suffered from several outages of the Azure service causing the game to not be playable. The push to use this on a large scale I feel is a bit premature. If rolled out in a large scale this might lead to mad consumers and a bad taste in the mouths of gamers for the idea of cloud gaming.

 

Really it comes down to a good idea coming a little too soon. If could computing is going to make it on the large scale internet speeds will need to improve, a bit more time in the oven will be needed for the server side and a slow roll out would be a safe idea.

 

 

http://www.joystiq.com/2014/03/10/respawn-titanfalls-server-stability-is-in-microsofts-azure-ha/

http://www.polygon.com/2014/1/8/5287080/sony-discusses-playstation-nows-future-bandwidth-requirements

http://www.gamespot.com/articles/will-your-internet-be-fast-enough-to-stream-playstation-now/1100-6417023/

http://www.statetechmagazine.com/article/2013/02/average-internet-connection-speed-every-state-america

http://www.fcc.gov/measuring-broadband-america/2013/February

http://www.pewinternet.org/2013/08/26/home-broadband-2013/

Titanfall, why did you go there bro?

So like many people yesterday I picked up the big title release for the month of March, Titanfall, I picked it up for the PC as I feel its not going to be worth the price of a new system for the one game. There’s been little to no issues with the launch that I have experienced on the PC other then the longer then expected wait times at first to find match making that seem to have been fixed, like they claimed, last night.

 

Over all impression of the game so far is that its a solid shooter that brings a nice change to the genera but does not bring enough to make it worth the hype it has received. The idea/hype of the game being this large scale combat game I feel really fall flat, the maps often feel cramped, the layouts feel like clones of each other with different skinning. The visuals so far have not impressed, being based off the aging Source Engine I feel has a big part to do with this, they feel flat and dated. The fact you have games like Crysis 3 and Battlefield 4 with there stunning graphics, large scale maps (BF4) and large player numbers only seems to dampen what Titanfall might have been if it where made with a modern game engine. Honestly I feel this shows the lack of raw power the “next-gen” consoles have in comparison the there PC counter parts, the fact that the choice was made to use this old engine then the fact that the system can’t preform where it should, come on Dev’s/Console makers, your going to have to step it up with a visual hungry audience.

 

As for ‘large’ scale combat Titanfall, and the gaming media, have seemed to forget about games like the Tribes series for large scale. The maps where massive, the players per match reached 120+ and the combat could last hours in an epic tug of war for flag captures or point control. It just bugs me to no end that PC games that have been out pacing consoles in the scale game seem to be forgotten about due to marketing and hype. Come on people we can do better!

 

I regress, the facts are Titanfall is a solid shooter that should be around for the next few years. It feels very much like the needed change to the shooter genre to break it free from the death-grip that was Call of Duty. Now if only they realize that not selling maps and expansions, but giving them away, will get them a much longer run for sales of there games and a much happier fan base.

Titanfail? Any one? No?

titanfall

So after a few issues with getting Titanfall up and running on my PC, wrong beta code sent by EA/Server Issues, I can say the game plays much better then I would have imagined. The game play as you probably know consists of playing as a pilot then when the time has been reached or once you have gathered enough points you can call down a titan. It would seem that if one team was racking up score quick in the early game and calling it Titans it would be the end of a match, by I’m pleased to say its far from over if one side reaches calling in a titan first. Over all the action felt very fluid and well thought out, from wall jumps to ‘rodeoing’ a Titan (Jumping on its head and shooting the sh%t out of its “brain”), I feel like the action just doesn’t stop. I can honestly say I hope this game does very well, but I feel at the moment it is doomed to be a flash in the pan.

At the moment I have a little over 2 hours of game play on the beta and feel like I have played the game out. I’m sure as time goes and they add content the level cap will grow from 14 to much higher and the limited 5 or 6 guns will grow as well, but is that enough? It reminds me of when the last Gears of War came out, everyone I knew bought it and played non-stop for a couple of weeks. After that the game was well, played out. The limited maps, play styles and well lack of content just lost all its appeal and we all went out different ways. I have a feeling unless they have an ace up there sleeve, Titanfall is doomed to the same fate.

We will need to see some drastic changes to game play and additions I feel if this game is going to have a good run. Addition of maps, game types and weapons as free updates would be a very wise move in the right direction. In a world of pay to win and pay for just maps gamers don’t expect quality anymore they just want what they know, but I can say I for one am not that way and I know quite a few of my friends are the same. We expect more from the publishers such as was once common free updates and game content. This is the perfect game to go back to releasing maps and game types as just part of the normal update process and not as some “added” value bullsh@t.

But I digress, the fact of the matter is Titanfall does have a lot, and I mean A LOT of potential to be a giant in the history of gaming, I just feel that if the makers follow the major trends in gaming at the moment it will become like so many other games of this era and fall away quickly and quietly will no one really missing it.

Sony why you no spend money?

 

psn-ddos

So the game Outlast released today for the PS4 and is free for PlayStation Plus members, as I am one of said members I was super excited to hear this! So I booted up ye’ old Netflix Play, aka Playstion 4 lets me honest here, and to dismay I found an error message while trying to access the Playstion Store. It seems with the combination of the system update they pushed yesterday and the interest in Outlast it has DDos’s the PSN, again…

With game launches being plauged with server issues becoming the norm this did not surprise me but also makes me very sad and very mad. For the life of me I can not figure out why these billion dollar companies are nickle and diming on network infrastructure when there latest and greatest products, not only gaming consoles mind you, rely heavily  on the internet and networks. The cost of servers is cheap now, the fact I can rent out a server for a few bucks a month or lease a fairly beefy dedicated server for under a hundred makes me mad that these companies are not sinking money into the growth of such a vital part of there products feature. What is it going to take? A mass movement of customers from your platform to say PC? Maybe a shareholders meeting that has some representatives that are a bit more of the gaming generation to yell at the CEO and CFO about how they are losing customers every time this happens. So far I feel the PS4 is a very solid platform for gaming BUT this type of thing makes me want to sell it and drop the money into a video card for my PC and leave consoles in the last decade. Its just crazy…..

 

Anyway if you read this and happen to know how to get a hold or Sony’s CEO or another gaming big wigs tell them to pull there heads out of there asses. They are killing there own products, and it makes me sad.