The latest line in reboots from Director Johnathan Liebesman and Produced in part by Michel Bay does not disappoint, from the over the top CGI special effects, fight scenes and lighting effects, to the use of female leads as nothing more than sex objects; This reboot of TMNT has all the ear marks of another beloved franchise that has now been shit on by Michel Bay.
Going into this movie its fair to say I am more than a bit bias having grown up in the hay-day of the TMNT in the 1980’s. From the comics, 1980’s TV show to the action figures, my early childhood was dominated by the turtle crazy, hell I even got a turtle green cast when I broke my wrist. With that being said I will also say I am normally not one to chastise a director his/her past works, I try and take each film in on its own, as in Transformers and the Star Trek reboots both which I thought where fun action movies and the directing style worked well with the tone and writing of the movies, but at the same time in the case of Star Trek it felt that the essence of the series had been lost, the movie could have easily done well labeled as a new space sci-fi franchise.
Enough bitching about Michel Bay’s directing style and influence of shitting on things, its time to get to the review of the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Turtles.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Fuck it, I was trying to think of a way to make this a well formatted, well informed, informational review but after wasting two hours of my watching this pile of shit fuck it. From the shitty voice acting to the Turtles that now look like the inbred love children of Shrek this movie gives the older TMNT fan nothing but a new found hate for reboots. The movie starts by building the character and back stories of April O’Neil and Vernon Fenwick (Aprils camera guy), making April into a try hard reporter that has no one taking her serious and Vernon into the ultimate perv co-worker spending more time hitting on April then doing his job. This shit show of intolerable back story bullshit goes on for at least the first 30 minutes of the movie while slowly introducing the turtles, The Foot Clan, Shredder, and Eric Sacks as Shredders apprentice, while making every good guy and bad guy into the ultimate stereo type of their role. From here the movie heads downhill as a fairly swift pace while gathering speed heading uncontrollably towards the deepest depths of movie hell.
After this fun into period of shitty dialog and bad acting we are finally given when we came for, Turtles! The turtles and April first cross paths after the turtles foil the clearly half-asses trap setup by The Foot Clan. Come on what the fuck! The Foot Clan in an elite group of murderers and hired hit-men, and they can’t figure a way to catch four turtles?!!? Oh wait, that’s because for some unknown fucking reason the Turtles now have super human strength, are bullet proof and other powers normally reserved for the like of Superman…. Who the fuck wrote this shit…. Have they EVER read a TMNT comic or seen one of the past movies or TV shows?!? Really you deserve to eat a bag of dicks for this bullshit. Why not give them x-ray vision and the power of flight? But back to the into of the Turtles and April. They meet on a roof top with some shitty dialog, April faints ect ect ect bullshit…….
Fuck this movie made me mad.
So from here some more shitty story is drawn out about how the Turtle are now from a lab experiment and where one Aprils pets and that Aprils father made the ooze. Really who the fuck do the writers think they are?!?!?! Rewriting a beloved story to some half-assed plot that only serves to make April into a mother character instead of the cool friend role she is known for… Does every movie that comes out have to be changed to fit the formula of the broken family gets reunited, the female lead is only there as a sex symbol and the supporting character is the friend0zone friend that does not realize they are that friend… Fuck this is getting old, it really feels like the groups of writers for major movies have no incentive to create new plots or change the norm…
Anyway from there the normal action movie script kicks in, some of the hero’s get captured, the other hero has to free the captured hero ect ect ect… It really is a shitty plot that has been told a thousand times before. So if you have seen any action or hero movie in the last oh say 50 years you know the story. With the exception of some really fucked up and inaccurate back story sections the movie past 3o minutes is nothing more than a CGI action movie, a shitty one at that. What the fuck is up with all the cuts and camera angles. Does ever action scene have to be filmed from a upward angle while spinning around the character? I normally have no issue with movies and things like motion sickness but this one almost made to puke. I’m sure if I saw in 3D I would either vomit or have a major headache from the shitty camera movement…
Oh and who ever did the casting for Voice actors I hope you never work again! I love Jonny Knocksville but it was the wrong person to cast… Also fuck off to who ever wrote the dialog for the Turtles. Donatello is not some wimpy nerd you fucktard….. Fuck….
So I feel that I have bitched enough at the moment so I’ll sum this up for those looking for a short answer.
The TMNT 2014 reboot is a bad movie. From the poor directing to over use of CGI it has little to no redeeming factors and shits on the franchise for two hours. If you loved or even liked TMNT comics, the 1980’s TV show or ever the 1990’s movies save you money and time.
Movie Rating: 1/10